I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love