The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
barbara was highly relatable
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.