When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
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You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Good morning
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.