Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Cheers Twitter.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]