Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?