Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call: