@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@SavoirFail

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

@batkaren

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

@jellybnbonanza

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

@BrandonBrown522

My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.

@ComedicBust

[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

@TheToddWilliams

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China