FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You Might Also Like
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“Describe yourself in three words”
My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.
[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]
Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.
Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China