@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

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@BryMastas

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

@Elizasoul80

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

@hippieswordfish

WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat

@rhysjamesy

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

@1followernodad

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

@sannewman

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

@MsLisaM

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *