When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary


I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.


Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.


ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.


I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.


My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.


[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..


They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops


“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China