Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This one’s “Alex”.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.