When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
*pronounces fake like saké*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Yep.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
That’s not how days work.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
