When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
