Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

everyone’s a critic

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.