When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*