Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

they split up moments later

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

My neck, my back, my…

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.