Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

Rather alarming headline…

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess