Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

Beauty and the Beast

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.