When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed