Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.