When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid