When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
#dnd #ttrpg
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Cold.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?