Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Good morning.

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog