@sensualgifs

when you’re sick of dropping subtle hints to the guy you like and getting no where

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@JohnLyonTweets

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

@flashember

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

@kind_ofa_bitch

In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.

@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

@cheeky__gal

It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.

@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@GeorgiaSweet20

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

@CrockettForReal

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

@GorillaNipples1

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.