I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.
** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.