The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
You Might Also Like
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
uh oh
How do horror writers compete with current events?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
i now pronounce you bounced.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with