When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
That’s not how days work.
