When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.