When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?