when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You Might Also Like
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
i spent way too long on this
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice