when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
A huge thanks to the person that did this
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*