Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
You Might Also Like
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
The little toadstool has spoken.
Mad Max Arctic Road
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The Assassin.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.