when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?