when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
OH. COME. ON.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.