when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
We are the people our parents warned us about.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
12653.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.