When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Meat Cute
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
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writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers