When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
monday
He’s dead
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween