Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*