When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Jogging has never helped my memory.