Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

lol

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.