Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

rise and shine we got egg

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

*lint rolls you awake*

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door