Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

He is just living hist best little life 😊

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.