Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.