Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

Whoops

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”