When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
