Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

mom had nothing to worry about

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.