When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me: