Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

They’re really bad with fonts.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.