Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

I just ran a .003048K

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.