When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
work smarter, not harder
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.