When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.