Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Is fructose made with real fruct?

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.