When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
You Might Also Like
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
#NoRestForTheWicked
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Only short people can save us
