Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

sir, my pâté if you please

[eulogy]

line?

They’re called werewolves.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

this made my day 😂

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…