When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
what’s in a name?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
me as a parent
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.