When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies