When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
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I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
🤣🤣💀
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
you can only post this today
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.