Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Oh thanks BBC.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*