When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
<- sleeps well with others
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The Eggorcist
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”