#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.