Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You Might Also Like
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her