Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

you’re so productive for your wage

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.