Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My love language is deader than Latin
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?