Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

live, laugh, laundry.

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.