Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.