Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
