Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Coffee is ready.

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

🤣😂🤣😂

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?