Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.