Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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My oldest chicken is going through henopause
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine