1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away
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THIS IS SPARTA!
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Wife: Did you want to go to Comic Con?
Me: *Google searches ‘Is Emilia Clarke going to be on the Game of Thrones panel at Comic Con’*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?