Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away

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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses


[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.


I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?


Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage


Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.


Isn’t it cool that stamps are like a sticker…but with a job


Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Bad
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?