I’m tired of being –
Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Soup: for when you want to be hungry again in 20 minutes
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Isn’t it cool that stamps are like a sticker…but with a job
Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?