Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
lmao
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.