@ewfeez

Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away

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@AnOrangeSNES

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

@MumsieEsq

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”

@Jazzzzzmina

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

@thrillhicks

In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.

@FU_TangClan

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who ūüėČ

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one ūüôĀ

@AlyT81

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

@mad_cattery

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: Did you want to go to Comic Con?

Me: *Google searches ‘Is Emilia Clarke going to be on the Game of Thrones panel at Comic Con’*
“No”

@joe_binkley

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?