5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target