whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!