whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
You Might Also Like
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.